PATAY.

    Yes, so  I on the verge of social breakdown a while back. Seriously, I don’t even want to talk about it, but its taking its toll on me!! Damn it!! I don not know what has gotten into me; I’m starting to believe that maybe, there really is something wrong with me. And i just want you guys to know that while I’m typing this, my heart is racing, I feel like crying, screaming! I’m tired.
    This past few weeks, I learned to function alone, eventhough I would randomly wish that I have someone with me while waiting for my next class; my being Nomad was justified. Having time to plop down anywhere, stalking people and watching BB became somewhat a distant memory of the past!! tae emo na ako!!

 I managed to get decent scores in some of my quizzes, and finally I’m done with my report in chemistry!But wait, it’s not over yet, because preliminaries is a few weeks away and I don’t think I balance it all. My classes is from Monday- Saturday, so Sunday is my only vacant time.. I somehow successful in my plan to eliminate my social life, my sleeping time..my spiritual life (don’t worry!)And I suppose I had it coming.

    What followed the next few days was a break down, experienced in small increments. Meaning, instead of one big breakdown, i had a series of smaller ones, including distancing myself from the people I know (ahh) care for me. But what can I do??? I just completely blew it away!

    I need time to think of nothing. Time to feel gratitude and oneness with my Spirit. But the problem now is that..I think I pushed it too far.

See? that is why I hate blogging sometimes, because when I write, I have the tendency to get into much details and I find it hard to limit my words.

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    Since my teenager years, I’m trapped with this "Identity vs. Confusion" ordeal. It’s hard. I’m struggling to figure who I really am. What I really want, err I know what I want, but I cannot do exactly what is on my mind because I have to think of others first. And what troubles me is that, I find it difficult to open up with others, in short I’m not a friendly person basically I find it hard to make one in the first place. I have insecurities and extreme personality which I don’t think anyone in this effin world can understand!!And I can’t go on this way! I want a revision of this ahh I cannot even call it life for God’s sake! I’m starting to eat me!

    And what pisses me off is that people would always tell me that, "Wow, you’re a jolly person", "you, smiley face"…they just do not know what really is going on! That at end of the day, I feel so deserted. So misfit. So dull. So regular. I’m not saying that I want to be perfect, because for me what makes us human is our imperfections. And one more thing, I hate it when I always put everything into logical perspective! When I know that what really counts in life are the spontaneous laughters and everything that is unexpected makes the best memory of all. (ahh walang akong direksyon) Kailangan ko lang ng mga tao na tatanggapin ang aking pagkatao. Na hindi ako pipiliting magbago. Pabayaan lang ako na ganito.

wOOt!!

 

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